Chia2x

Ketika kita kehilangan semuanya..

Semua mimpi..

Semua cita-cita..

Semua tujuan hidup…

Apa yang tersisa…

Rasa kosong yang hampa..

Kejenuhan terhadap hidup..

Ketertutupan jiwa..

Melindungi diri dari rasa sakit yang lebih dalam

Apa hanya itu yang tersisa

Dapatkah kita membentuk harapan baru

Cita-cita baru

Mimpi baru

Keinginan dan gairah baru

Tujuan hidup yang baru

When it is dark

Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel

Will the tunnel have the end

I never been in your shoes

I don’t know how you feel

And I can’t pretend that I know

It will be a hypocrite of me if I do

*Sigh…* but I can feel your pain

I can see it through your eyes

Even when you say you can’t feel anymore

Really wish that I can reach down in you..

And fix things for you

Like lyrics in a song:

“To open my arms and let it be wings to protect you”

But I can’t

Cause you have already closed your soul

From everyone

From me…

Only you can make yourself survive

Only you can pull yourself together

Only you can walk through the tunnel alone

Perhaps you have to crawl to be out of there

Only you alone have to do it…

All I can say is…

I will be waiting at the end of the tunnel

Especially for you…

And hope that when you out of there

You still want me to be by your side

Rusmi, 26 July 2005, remembering one of your poems to me:

“Night silvery light,

Cup of tea with smokey clouds.

Open my senses to vibrating life,

Sitting alone in a corner of a café…

Waiting for someone yet to come and wait..wait..wait…”

Now the waiting is my turn…

2 A.M. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You’re tellin me you’re so confused
You can’t make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You’re asking me

But only love can say — try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I’ll just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do

In you arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I’ve tried my best to make you see
There’s hope beyond the pain
If we give enough — if we learn to trust

(chorus)

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You’d give our dream just one more chance
Don’t let this be our good-bye

(chorus)

Rusmi, Jul 12, 2005

God, is this the answer of my prayer..

I’ve asked you once to give me light, wisdom and strength

To figure things up

To give me sign whether we meant for each other

If we are meant for each other

Please give us wisdom to understand and care for each other

Together hand in hand walking in Your path

Forever…

But if we are meant to be apart

Please give us strength to walk this through

I pray to U every night

Since I felt that he is slipping away from me

I don’t know what went wrong

And I don’t know how to repair things between us

All I can do is pray to U and hope you can answer my prayer

Today he told me he doesn’t love me anymore

And probably never love me

Is it a sign from you?

I have surrendered

I am tired, exhausted and desperate

There’s nothing else I can do

Just giving it all to You to solve this

Whatever gonna happen,

Let it be in Your way and in Your time

Rusmi, Jul 10, 2005

Today you told me that you don’t love me anymore

That it was all a mistake

And probably our relationship was just an escape way for you

I felt like I was flying in a blue sky and suddenly I broke my wing

And felt down from up above to the hard ground

I tried not to believe it

Tried to cover my ears and just shut it off

But my heart knew that was the truth

You finally had the courage to spill it out

I tried to think what was going wrong

When was this happening

Have I done something wrong

Or should I do something that I didn’t do

Can I do something to fix it

Is this fixable

I closed my eyes and hoped that when I opened my eyes it will be just a dream

A nightmare

But it was not

When I open my eyes, all I could see was you were there

Looking at me full of regret

Regret that we ever had a relationship

Regret that once you told me that you love me

Regret that you ever told me that your past was already closed

But it didn’t

Did it

It still haunting you

I remembered I asked you before if you still need time to close your past

And you told me it was over

And I believe you at that time

Because of that love in your eyes

It was not easy for me also to accept your past

God knows I tried my very best

Now… all my struggle to accept you for who you are

Is it still matter..

Why you have to make me go through it all

If it was all lies

I was fighting and struggling for something that was not there

Probably never been there

Your love

I’m not ready to lose you

But I know I have to prepare myself

Sometimes I want to tell you that I don’t care if you don’t love me

My love is enough for both of us

That’s how much I love you

But I have my own dignity and pride

I don’t want you to stay with me just for pity

I know you didn’t want to hurt me

That’s what you keep saying to me

Didn’t want to hurt me

But my dear, the truth is you already did

I want you to be happy

If my leaving you is the best way to cheer up your day

I will do it

The most important thing for me is for you to get your spirit up

Although it means my world has fallen apart…

Rusmi, Jul 10, 2005

I sit there and look in your eyes

There is no more love for me there

There’s only emptiness inside

It hurt me so much that I remembered once a long time ago

When all I could see in your eyes was your love for me

The way you used to look at me indescribable way

Full of love and made me felt that I was loved so much

You asked me that other time what the first thing that made me love you

I told you I didn’t know

That loving someone didn’t have to have a cause

But inside my heart I knew that the way you looked at me that made me love you

I’ve never seen that before

But now, all I can see is emptiness

We both sit there with the unspoken words

We both know that it is over for us

But none of us bold enough to call it off

And we just sit there in a silence….

Rusmi, Jul 9, 2005

I was listening to the old love songs in my notebook and remembering so many memories. Most of them are with you…. Thinking of it, there are a lot of things that I regret. Something that I probably should not do or probably have to do. Words that unspoken and actions that were not done. If I have the chance to make it right… would I take it? Will it make a difference..? I was thinking about this… Will it make a difference if I already know what will go wrong and when it will be happening, and make it stop or change it, rewrite the history…. Make it my own version. Will I take that chance? And my thoughts goes to our memories, do I really want to repeat that again…? The pressure of not being perfect, to become who I’m not, feeling scared that I make to many mistakes that will make you mad or just being a forgetful that will blow off your temper, to have no opinion coz every opinions are yours to make. Do I really want to live like that again..? And then I also remember the joy and laughter “the good memories”, it was fun… full of love… Then it cross my mind.. is it worth it huh? To go it through once more… to repeat the same things…? I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and thinking of it… it’s actually a phase of my life that I have to pass it through. Without it, I will not become who I am now. To cherish every moment with every friends that I have.

Rusmi, after listening to You come to My Senses (Chicago) in Cosmo radio, Jan 2005