Chia2x

Dalam tempat kudusMu

Kutundukkan kepala

Kupejam mataku

Dan tak terasa air mataku mengalir

Terasa hangat di pipi

Bunyi piano bergema

Terasa olehku keagunganMu

Suara paduan suara lembut dan merdu

Kuresapi kata per kata dari lagu pujian untukMu

Ketika kujatuh Kau angkat aku

Ketika kulemah Kau perkuat aku

Ketika kusedih Kau hibur aku

Siapakah aku sehingga Kau begitu mengasihi aku

Tapi apa balasanku…

Ketika kusenang kutinggalkan Kau

MenyalahkanMu atas kemalangan yang menimpaku

Ketika kumembutuhkan pertolonganMu barulah mecariMu kembali

Maafkan aku…

Yang tidak berterimakasih atas berkat and bimbinganMu selama ini

Penyesalan hanya itu yang dapat kukatakan

Kalau saja waktu dapat kuputar kembali

Aku tidak akan meninggalkanMu

Dan mungkin kami tetap bersama berjalan di jalanMu

Sehingga Kau tak perlu menegurku supaya kembali ke jalanMu

Kau tak perlu menghukumku atas kesalahanku

Dan mungkin kami masih dapat bersama

Sekarang aku hadir disini

Di tempat kudusMu

Memohon pertolonganMu

Karena semua cara telah kutempuh

Dan aku menyadari tak ada yang dapat aku lakukan lagi

Hanya kepadaMu harapanku

Tempat kuberserah dan berharap

Karena tak ada yang tak mungkin bagiMu

Kupinta, kucari dan kuketuk pintuMu

Kalaulah mungkin keluarkanlah aku dari pencobaan ini

Aku memasrahkan semuanya kepadaMu

Biarkanlah kehendakMu yang terjadi

Karena kutahu rencanaMu adalah yang terbaik untukku

Rusmi, 21 August 2005, coming home from church.

Now and forever
you are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn’t we find the ecstasy
Didn’t we share the daylight
When you walked into my life

Now and forever
I’ll remember all the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream,
Beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do

Now and forever
I will always think of you

Didn’t we come together
Didn’t we live together
Didn’t we cry together
Didn’t we play together
Didn’t we love together
And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met
and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I
could always be with you
The way we used to do

Now and forever
I will always think of you

Now and forever
I will always be with you

Rusmi, 22 August, listening this song at Cosmo FM, remembering all the happy days

I’ve got this story from a friend, it is very nice:

Suatu hari seorang penceramah terkenal membuka seminarnya dengan cara yang unik. Sambil memegang uang pecahan Rp. 100. 000,00, ia bertanya kepada hadirin, "Siapa yang mau uang ini?" Tampak banyak tangan diacungkan. Pertanda banyak minat. "Saya akan berikan ini kepada salah satu dari Anda sekalian, tapi sebelumnya perkenankanlah saya melakukan ini." Ia berdiri mendekati hadirin. Uang itu diremas-remas dengan tangannya sampai berlipat2. Lalu bertanya lagi,"Siapa yang masih mau uang ini?" Jumlah tangan yang teracung tak berkurang. "Baiklah," jawabnya, "Apa jadinya bila saya melakukan ini?" ujarnya sambil menjatuhkan uang itu ke lantai dan menginjak2nya dengan sepatunya. Meski masih utuh, kini uang itu jadi amat kotor dan tak mulus lagi. "Nah, apakah sekarang masih ada yang berminat?" Tangan-tangan yang mengacung masih tetap banyak. "Hadirin sekalian, Anda baru saja menghadapi sebuah pelajaran penting. Apapun yang terjadi dengan uang ini, anda masih berminat karena apa yang saya lakukan tidak akan mengurangi nilainya. Biarpun lecek dan kotor, uang itu tetap bernilai Rp. 100.000,00." Dalam kehidupan ini kita pernah beberapa kali terjatuh, terkoyak, dan berlepotan kotoran akibat keputusan yang kita buat dan situasi yang menerpa kita. Dalam kondisi seperti itu, kita merasa tak berharga, tak berarti. Padahal apapun yang telah dan akan terjadi, Anda tidak pernah akan kehilangan nilai di mata orang yang mencintai Anda . Jangan pernah lupa - Anda spesial

"Walaupun di suatu saat, kamu merasa diri kamu tidak berharga, tetapi bagi orang yg sayang ama kamu n bagi Tuhan, kamu tetap berharga di mata mereka. Dan jika bagi org tersebut kamu tidak berharga maka org tersebut tidak sayang sama kamu dan kamu lebih baik mencari org lain menyayangi kamu karena dia akan menghargai kamu"

I am tired

I feel that I have failed

I realize now that no matter how much I love you

It will be no meaning for you

Your mind is still drowning in the memory

You close yourself from others that love you

I try to pull you out

I try real hard

But I realize that no matter how much I try

It will not be enough

If you didn’t pull yourself out also

I talked to someone today

Someone that very comforting

I cry and I cry

I pray and I read the holy bible

All I can do is pray and

Hope that I can be apart of you again someday

I cry and I cry again

I talked to God

I asked Him why

Why me

Why us

Why we have to meet

If there is an ending why there is a beginning

I questioned God’s plan

His plan that he have chosen for me

If I don’t meet you, my life will be much simpler

Then I hear a voice

She told me that God’s plan is wonderful

I might not able to see it right now

But believing in faith…

All the confusion, heartache and sorrow will change into a beautiful ending

I put my problems to God’s hand

I trust that He will take care of you

No need for me to worry about you now

You are in good hands

And suddenly I feel free

Free as a bird

No more worry

No more tears

No more regret

And hopefully someday I will be able to see you in a different way

But for now..

I just feel peace in my heart

Ketika kita kehilangan semuanya..

Semua mimpi..

Semua cita-cita..

Semua tujuan hidup…

Apa yang tersisa…

Rasa kosong yang hampa..

Kejenuhan terhadap hidup..

Ketertutupan jiwa..

Melindungi diri dari rasa sakit yang lebih dalam

Apa hanya itu yang tersisa

Dapatkah kita membentuk harapan baru

Cita-cita baru

Mimpi baru

Keinginan dan gairah baru

Tujuan hidup yang baru

When it is dark

Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel

Will the tunnel have the end

I never been in your shoes

I don’t know how you feel

And I can’t pretend that I know

It will be a hypocrite of me if I do

*Sigh…* but I can feel your pain

I can see it through your eyes

Even when you say you can’t feel anymore

Really wish that I can reach down in you..

And fix things for you

Like lyrics in a song:

“To open my arms and let it be wings to protect you”

But I can’t

Cause you have already closed your soul

From everyone

From me…

Only you can make yourself survive

Only you can pull yourself together

Only you can walk through the tunnel alone

Perhaps you have to crawl to be out of there

Only you alone have to do it…

All I can say is…

I will be waiting at the end of the tunnel

Especially for you…

And hope that when you out of there

You still want me to be by your side

Rusmi, 26 July 2005, remembering one of your poems to me:

“Night silvery light,

Cup of tea with smokey clouds.

Open my senses to vibrating life,

Sitting alone in a corner of a café…

Waiting for someone yet to come and wait..wait..wait…”

Now the waiting is my turn…

2 A.M. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You’re tellin me you’re so confused
You can’t make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You’re asking me

But only love can say — try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I’ll just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do

In you arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I’ve tried my best to make you see
There’s hope beyond the pain
If we give enough — if we learn to trust

(chorus)

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You’d give our dream just one more chance
Don’t let this be our good-bye

(chorus)

Rusmi, Jul 12, 2005

God, is this the answer of my prayer..

I’ve asked you once to give me light, wisdom and strength

To figure things up

To give me sign whether we meant for each other

If we are meant for each other

Please give us wisdom to understand and care for each other

Together hand in hand walking in Your path

Forever…

But if we are meant to be apart

Please give us strength to walk this through

I pray to U every night

Since I felt that he is slipping away from me

I don’t know what went wrong

And I don’t know how to repair things between us

All I can do is pray to U and hope you can answer my prayer

Today he told me he doesn’t love me anymore

And probably never love me

Is it a sign from you?

I have surrendered

I am tired, exhausted and desperate

There’s nothing else I can do

Just giving it all to You to solve this

Whatever gonna happen,

Let it be in Your way and in Your time

Rusmi, Jul 10, 2005

Today you told me that you don’t love me anymore

That it was all a mistake

And probably our relationship was just an escape way for you

I felt like I was flying in a blue sky and suddenly I broke my wing

And felt down from up above to the hard ground

I tried not to believe it

Tried to cover my ears and just shut it off

But my heart knew that was the truth

You finally had the courage to spill it out

I tried to think what was going wrong

When was this happening

Have I done something wrong

Or should I do something that I didn’t do

Can I do something to fix it

Is this fixable

I closed my eyes and hoped that when I opened my eyes it will be just a dream

A nightmare

But it was not

When I open my eyes, all I could see was you were there

Looking at me full of regret

Regret that we ever had a relationship

Regret that once you told me that you love me

Regret that you ever told me that your past was already closed

But it didn’t

Did it

It still haunting you

I remembered I asked you before if you still need time to close your past

And you told me it was over

And I believe you at that time

Because of that love in your eyes

It was not easy for me also to accept your past

God knows I tried my very best

Now… all my struggle to accept you for who you are

Is it still matter..

Why you have to make me go through it all

If it was all lies

I was fighting and struggling for something that was not there

Probably never been there

Your love

I’m not ready to lose you

But I know I have to prepare myself

Sometimes I want to tell you that I don’t care if you don’t love me

My love is enough for both of us

That’s how much I love you

But I have my own dignity and pride

I don’t want you to stay with me just for pity

I know you didn’t want to hurt me

That’s what you keep saying to me

Didn’t want to hurt me

But my dear, the truth is you already did

I want you to be happy

If my leaving you is the best way to cheer up your day

I will do it

The most important thing for me is for you to get your spirit up

Although it means my world has fallen apart…

Rusmi, Jul 10, 2005

I sit there and look in your eyes

There is no more love for me there

There’s only emptiness inside

It hurt me so much that I remembered once a long time ago

When all I could see in your eyes was your love for me

The way you used to look at me indescribable way

Full of love and made me felt that I was loved so much

You asked me that other time what the first thing that made me love you

I told you I didn’t know

That loving someone didn’t have to have a cause

But inside my heart I knew that the way you looked at me that made me love you

I’ve never seen that before

But now, all I can see is emptiness

We both sit there with the unspoken words

We both know that it is over for us

But none of us bold enough to call it off

And we just sit there in a silence….

Rusmi, Jul 9, 2005

I was listening to the old love songs in my notebook and remembering so many memories. Most of them are with you…. Thinking of it, there are a lot of things that I regret. Something that I probably should not do or probably have to do. Words that unspoken and actions that were not done. If I have the chance to make it right… would I take it? Will it make a difference..? I was thinking about this… Will it make a difference if I already know what will go wrong and when it will be happening, and make it stop or change it, rewrite the history…. Make it my own version. Will I take that chance? And my thoughts goes to our memories, do I really want to repeat that again…? The pressure of not being perfect, to become who I’m not, feeling scared that I make to many mistakes that will make you mad or just being a forgetful that will blow off your temper, to have no opinion coz every opinions are yours to make. Do I really want to live like that again..? And then I also remember the joy and laughter “the good memories”, it was fun… full of love… Then it cross my mind.. is it worth it huh? To go it through once more… to repeat the same things…? I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and thinking of it… it’s actually a phase of my life that I have to pass it through. Without it, I will not become who I am now. To cherish every moment with every friends that I have.

Rusmi, after listening to You come to My Senses (Chicago) in Cosmo radio, Jan 2005